Neighbor Noise
(Ring) (Unintelligible - probably a person's last name - "Pivet's"?) Yeah, this is Duncan...Cocker. Your neighbor. Yeah! Hi. Yeah, you guys were making a whole lotta noise in there last night. Didn't appreciate it. (Laughs) Yeah, well I'm focused on these crazy animals. So I need to know that you're gonna keep things down tonight, volume wise. Ya got me? Uhh, ok. We'll turn the TV down and, uh, keep the dogs quiet. All that sort of stuff. Yeah, you better do everything you can. We'll keep an eye on it. Or an ear on it. Pipe down, do it now... Ok. ...And I don't want to hear from you again. Fair enough. (click) - (ring) (LPC in strange voice) Well, hello? Who have I got. I'm Duncan Whopper. Ok. I live near by ya, and you guys are making way too much noise at night, you know that? Are we? Well I'll tell you, we'll have to curb it then, won't we. Why don't cha bring 'er down a couple notched here tonight? I got a big meeting tommorra. (Laughs) And how's the rest of your day going? I don't even know if I'm comin' or goin' lady. I didn't get any sleep last night. (Laughs) Well, as I said, we'll do our best to curb it. - (Ring) Hey, is Evelyn there? Yeah. This is Duncan Cocker. Duncan? Crocker? Who are you? Your neighbor. Last night I was hearing dogs and cats and birds and everything over at your house. And what time was this? It was too late, if you ask me. I was trying to get some rest. You need to answer my question. What time was this? I had a big, big meeting this morning. Our dogs are in bed at nine thirty P.M. That's the most cockamamie thing I've ever heard. Who are you? What address are you? Duncan Cocker. I'm catty corner to you, one house down. DUNCAN, WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING ADDRESS?! Why don't you shut down your zoo over there and keep it quiet? Our dogs are in bed. You're talking to the wrong person. - (ring) Yes? Hey, this is Hooper. I'm your neighbor. And you guys had way too much noise and commotion last night up at your place. No, you've got the wrong number, my god. Oh, I heard dogs barkin', and televisions blarin', and everything else. IT'S NOT ME. I put my dogs to bed at four o'clock. Where do you live? In the lavender house. Where in the hell is the lavender house? I ain't fixin' to go nowhere, so why don't you keep it down to a dull roar, so I can get some rest here? IT'S NOT MY DOGS, IT'S THE HOUSE NEXT TO ME. Don't try to pull the old switcheroo on me, lady. WELL YOU CRAZY BASTARD, IT'S NOT ME. IT'S NOT MY HOUSE. WHAT IS YOUR NUMBER?!? My phone number? NOOO! The number of your house... I'm in the lavender house. ...the one where you get your mail. Now, why don't you keep it down to a dull roar? I had a meeting this morning and I missed it 'cause of all your commotion there. It's not MEEE! My god! I'm...Call the damn police! - (Ring) Hello? My name's FiFi NoNo. I'm your neighbor. And I've been hearing way, way, way too much noise coming out of your place last night and the night before. I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know any such neighbor. I have no idea what you're talking about...whatsoever. It sounded like you were on my roof...So I need you to pipe down, so I can get some r... I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE! Look mister, I can't be your neighbor, I don't live in your area code. I live in the area code 303. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. So do I. It was a Herculean effort just to get through the night, it was so noisy over at your place. I haven't got my stereo on. I haven't had my stereo on for weeks. Friggin', it was like you were on my roof last night. My neighbor on one side is named Chuck. The neighbor on the other side of me is named Bob. I don't even know who you are. I don't give a good dog gone who it is. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN EITHER, BUT IT'S NOT ME! Stop calling me, and stop annoying me... Listen to me... ...I don't know what you're talking about. I am not...What did you hear? Did you hear music? What did you hear? Oh, I heard televisions blaring, I heard birds chirping, I heard everything I could hear. Are you telling me you don't have a television and a bird? 'Cause I heard 'em all night long. I have two cats, and I have a television set. Yeah, I know you do, 'cause I heard it all night. I wasn't up all night. I went to bed at about 12:30 last night. That's cockamamie. And I didn't hear a damn thing! It sounded like you were blowing into a saxophone all night long. It was outrageous. It's not me! I don't believe you. I got your number from the postmaster, and he knows what he's doing. Believe me he's worked there for 10 years. Wha, wha, what address did you give him? Listen, I need twenty-five dollars, to get a hotel room. I don't give a damn, it's not me. It is not me, and if you don't stop calling me, and don't stop harassing me, I'll contact the police. Oooohhh.